my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
