God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
