Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
