oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
