allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
