I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
