just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
