can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
