Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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