I wish I only lived at night.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
