Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
