maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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