I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You smell like a Billy Joel song
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
