I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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