my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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