Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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