Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
The cops high fived after they tackled you
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
