Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I am spending my child support on dildos
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
