Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
