Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
