I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
