I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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