It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
