Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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