Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
