Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
