Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
