Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
