I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
