I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
