Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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