And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
