Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
