I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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