So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
