FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
