Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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