Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Randomize
