he puts the penis in happiness.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
