we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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