I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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