sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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