too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
