im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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