Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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