your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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