I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
