my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
