I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
