I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
