I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
